Unemployment, day 8, but who's counting? Aside from a trace of guilt over the fact that my kids will now have to support me when they're still in high school, this is a pretty good gig. I got turned down for another job in paradise today so perhaps I should start to look elsewhere.

In order to be proactive, I've made a list of jobs I know I would love; my dream jobs. I'm not sure if any of them exist but if they do and I land one of these choice positions, I will no doubt be a dedicated employee, willing to put in overtime and work at home. If you or anybody you know can hook me up with one these jobs, there'll be a little something extra in your Christmas card this year.

1. Chocolate Taste Tester  -  If there's one thing I know, it's God's most delectable gift to mankind and the bottom of my food pyramid - Chocolate! With a single taste, sometimes even a whiff, I can discern the brand, the country of origin, identify the subtle characteristics, the undertones, the legs... oh wait, that's wine. Know this: If I say chocolate is good, it's good. If I say it's great, it's great. If I say it's incredible or am rendered speechless except for "mmmmmm" sounds, get you some even if you have to steal or sell pawn your TV.
2. Universal Namer  -  I would be great at naming things! Fingernail polish, kids, household cleaning products, sports teams, cars, comets and pets... How's this for an orange fingernail polish: Orange Blaze? I toyed with Sweet & Sour Chicken, which is very orange around here, but ultimately concluded it wasn't enticing enough. And if you polished with it, an hour later you'd need to polish again.
3. Mattress Nap-worthy Evaluator- I could sleep on different mattresses to determine whether they are good for napping or not. And I could do it twice if needed, three times even. 
4. Coffee Taste Tester -  See Chocolate Taste Tester but replace Chocolate with Coffee.
5. Baby Hugger - As long as somebody whisks them to a smell-proof room when the little lovelies drop lethal diaper bombs or demonstrate the pressure principal through projectile diarrhea, bring on the babies! 
6. Talker  -  I could talk to a wall, for hours, even when the wall doesn't answer. Okay, the wall never answers, but it could, theoretically, in a parallel universe or a Harry Potter novel. 
7. Abstract (Accidental) Artist - I'm really gifted at"abstract art" presuming it is loosely defined. I once spilled paint all over the driveway and if you looked at it from a certain angle, it looked just like Winston Churchill in a baby buggy. Very nice but impractical to dig up the driveway and sell it. 

That does it for now. I'll go sit by the phone and wait for my future employer to call and offer me one of these gigs, a generous salary, an office with windows and a hot tub, my own jet plane and all the free coffee I can drink. Good coffee, that is, the kind from job number 4.